help it's getting bad again
screaming and clawing my way out of whatever is wrong with me
I’ll preface this by saying I’m fine. I mean, I’m not fine, but I’m fine. I’ve gotten to the point where I know the nasty little voice in my head is exactly that; something nasty that is lying, but sometimes it isn’t as easy to believe it. On my good days, I sort of pause for a second and then go on with my day. On my bad days, I pause for an hour and stare at the ceiling.
But hey, I haven’t killed myself yet, so that’s something!
I mean, I tried years ago, but as usual I failed miserably and then everything got better, so praise be to being a failure. That’s a joke, I’m joking. We like to have fun here.
What do I even have to be sad about, right? I’m doing so well, and for the most part I’m really happy. I suppose that’s the thing about mental illness, it doesn’t matter how good you’re doing, it can get to anyone, and just because I’m in a better position than before doesn’t mean things from my past can’t come and grab me by the throat.
Oh look, something more than one of my exes did. Laugh, damn it!
I’ve been remembering a lot recently. I was lucky in the sense that my brain quietly shifted all of the bad stuff into a box in a corner somewhere with a great big chain around it and a padlock keeping it shut, but healing has to come with unlocking the damn thing. It leads to me always discovering things and then writing about it and inevitably boring everyone and talking to the ether rather than over 200 lovely people that think I have something to say for some reason. Frankly, when a lot of you are here for the inspiring story of the girl who made it against all odds, I feel like a fraud, because I’m not her, not really. I’m still so sick, and it’s painfully frustrating. I would never put my head through a window, but I do fantasise about it. It probably feels so good for maybe three seconds.
It’s entirely possible that I just have everyone fooled and I’m actually an evil little cretin that is out to get others, hiding behind the facade of an angel that can do no wrong. I don’t think I am, and nobody around me thinks it, but sometimes I wonder if it’s true. If it was, and I was so good at it that nobody noticed including myself, I would never know for certain. I think I’m a good person, or at least I try to be. I was angry for a really long time, but I also haven’t been that person for a really long time. When I say I have no hate in my heart, I truly do mean it. I’ve spent so long trying to be better, the best version of myself even, but I’m still here, still me and still in the same body as always.
I don’t think I hate myself. Rather, the majority of the time I don’t hate myself. Sometimes I think about the fact that I was smart enough to know I was being groomed and let it happen anyway just because I liked the guy. How stupid do you have to be to do that? ‘That’s how grooming works’ yes well it certainly worked on me. Wonderful stuff. If that hadn’t happened over and over, maybe I would be a doctor by now, or a psychologist or a teacher or one of the million things I could have been. Instead, I had my childhood stripped from me and had to rebuild myself, all the while having nasty and vicious losers making fun of me for being behind.
Of course I’m behind, I never stood a chance. On that note, why are the people that are in training to be midwives and nurses and counsellors the ones that get at me the most for that? It’s so weird that they want to work with vulnerable people while tearing that exact demographic down. No, not all of them, most are wonderful, but look me in the eyes and tell me the worst person you know isn’t doing training in nursing etc. Yeah, I thought so. Either way, I don’t need that sort of person in my ear, because I can be horrid and spiteful enough to myself, thank you very much.
I think about Bojack Horseman a lot (shocker) and recently I think I have finally understood his side during his argument with Diane. I am, indeed, the one who has suffered the most because of the actions of myself. Granted, I’ve never done anything on his level, but sometimes it feels like I have. Like, if I haven’t, then why is my brain like this? I have to deserve it somehow, because if I don’t that is so much worse. I don’t want it to be like The Lottery, where someone is picked at random and then stoned. That isn’t fair, it isn’t right.
And like Bojack, I also come by it honestly. I come from a long line of people that just don’t want to get help, and who therefore spiral until it’s too late to do anything about it. Sometimes I feel a temptation to follow suit, because I’m doing so much work and there are days where it feels like I haven’t gotten anywhere with it even though I know that I have. I’m stuck in my head and it sucks here. I know it’s not a competition, but sometimes I hear someone say “I just get so scared to set boundaries” and I think “that’s great, sometimes I have delusions that I’m an angel that had her wings ripped out and has to now exist among people, and sometimes I convince myself that I actually murdered someone!” and I want to jump head first out of a window.
Mental illness isn’t some cute little thing and I’m so beyond tired of people acting like it is. It’s not some beautiful young girl with perfect mascara-streaked cheeks waiting for that perfect boy to come and save her. It’s a constant weight on you, and it doesn’t go away. Sometimes you feel stronger and you carry it more easily, but sometimes you get crushed beneath it, and the cold hard truth is that there will be times in your life where there is nobody to pick you out from the rubble and you just have to do it yourself.
I did it so many times. I punched and kicked and clawed over and over again, and I should be proud of it but I’m not. I’m simply furious at the world for making me this way. I don’t want to be this way. I want my greatest problem to be what brand of cereal to buy, not whether or not I’ll see next year.
Fuck man, what else is there to say?
Hey mamas, I figured I should probably put this here to say that I am fine !!!! I am all good, I just wanted to vent. This is a collection of things I’ve written during spirals over the last few months, and it’s something I’ve debated posting for a while so please be gentle.
Okay thank you love you bye <3
Christ Cat, you’ve voiced so much of what’s been going through my head lately. I’ve been struggling with an uptick in depressive symptoms yet outside I’m doing well and it’s so hard to reconcile that with yourself. That “I should be happy!” mantra in your head. But like you said it just doesn’t work that way.
dude. thank you so much for sharing this. it’s an infuriating feeling to know we have a lifetime ahead of us of “being like this”. but in some ways, it’s posts like these that help so many of us. i needed this reminder that it’s maybe not as isolating as my brain tells me it is. i’m grateful for your words, and moreso that you’re making it through and here to share them with us. sending you all my love, thank you for being you